It's true what they say, you know. People that have a healing energy attract people that need healing.
It's even truer when the healing they need was exactly the healing you had to did.
I tell my daughter all the time.. You don't have to fuck em all Sis.
You can help people without getting into an intimate relationship. Not everyone is meant to be that kind of partner.
It's also true what they say about taking your own advice. lmao!!
Disclaimer: This is my blog - so feel free to fuck right off if you don't like it. I'm trying to heal my own emotional traumas and wounds - I apologize in advance if you don't like how my memories and feelings make you feel - but thats on you. That's on you to heal ;)
Thanks for reading!
Anyway, after 22+ years of marriage he was divorced and somehow found me on facebook. We became friends, chatted for a bit. Almost immediately, he asked me out and I went.
I was ready to get out of the house and have a good time for a change. I've spent so much of my time these past years working on myself, healing, growing and all that other exhausting bullshit healers go through to get to where they need to be.
It's god dam exhausting. I mean, I get why people don't do it.
I 100% understand and relate as to why ignorance is fucking bliss. Anyway... yea. lol
This guy seemed nice enough. He had a good job, his own apartment, a good vehicle and he went out of his way for me. He was always buying me something or doing something for me. He always seemed very busy and always on the go.. It was go, go, go.. All the time.
It turned out that he, a lot like my 1st & 2nd husband, also spent more than he made. He had a great day job plus worked part time delivering pizzas. He appeared to be hard working.
He had also never done a load of laundry in the past 22 years. Or balanced a checkbook or paid bills or managed money or cooked fn dinners or whatever else married man children don't do.. Idfk.
It became very obvious within a few months that he had some issues to work through yet with himself before he was remotely ready to become a realistic partner.. for anyone.
I always seem to give men three chances. As the years go on the number of chances stay the same, however, lol the number of red flags indicators have increased exponentially lmao. Like, today, those three chances could very well be used in a matter of weeks lol.
It's just how I have become. It eliminates so much stress and anxiety in the long run.
So this guy.. I didn't really know at the time, but this guy had some pretty major baggage to deal with yet..
He had a few red flags in the beginning. He kinda tried love bombing me. He was anxious. I mean, fuck, he made me anxious when I was around him; and I'm pretty good at keeping people out of my own emotional bubble but his guy was vibrating the walls of my bubble.
From the moment I met him, I knew it would never work out... But, like everyone, I was just trying to help.
The intimacy was okay and he is medium handsome.
At the end of the day, there were a few things that I just couldn't rock with.
1. Sex is just sex if I'm not attracted to the person - sex is just another chore or thing that won't make me feel any better about a situation. Sex is an energy exchange. The more you exchange energy that does not match your own..
Well, I'm sure you all know.. You just start to feel like shit. I was having stomach issues, weight gain, I noticed I was becoming a little less happy all of a sudden.
I let this go on for about 4 or 5 months.. The first time anyway.. I mean, he was helpful and attentive and nice enough. He did things for me that I would just mention in passing. He remembered things and made me feel like a priority and that I was important. I'd never had that. I liked that aspect of it.
I mean, I felt bad about it then for some reason. I loved him but I wasn't in love with him.
But in reality, I am love. I give my love out so fn freely to everyone, whomever may need it or want it.. Ultimately, everyone around me feels that energy and hopefully it inspires or encourages them to be the same.
Again, I can't help everyone. I can't tell anyone anything. I can't make anyone find self love or confidence.. I can't fix anyone... The only person I can change is myself. I was trying to be the change I wanted to see in the world. I lead by example. I give my energy to people without hesitation and they feel it and their lives become a little different and little better..
Until it isn't. Until I pull back my energy..
But, against my own intuition, I allowed this to go on for a few more months.
I came home one day to find that he had mulched my entire front flower beds. I mean, I'd never had anyone do that for me.. And that was with a lot of things. He would show up with a new grill or flat screen tv. I told him to stop and that I couldn't repay him and that I didn't ask him to do any of these things. He even bought my son a new xbox. I was like bro.. You're doing too much.
It was getting uncomfortable.
He was becoming very negative and down depressed. Later, I figure he'd always been that way. I tried to help him see positives and do positive things.. But at the end of the day, I couldn't help him.
He was very ungrateful with what he had. He was obsessed with everything that he had lost in the divorce. Little did I know, he wasn't even divorced yet.
I was like, Yikes.
Most importantly, he was a very feminine. My kids used to joke that they thought he was more LGBTQ than anything. I would always say, "guys, be nice". But I wanted to say that too. He always seemed ready for sex so I'm not real sure what was going on there. It was definitely something he needed to figure out lol.
He was always more concerned with looking like he had status and wealth as opposed to being grateful for what he did have and living in the moment. I could tell he spent a lot of time in the past..
He had an apartment, car, clothes, food, lights, health, a good job. But he couldn't see past his disappointment of not having and doing what he wanted. He was upset that he had to budget his money. I showed him how I did my finances. Idk. it was just a lost cause for me.
Finally, I had just had enough of the whining and complaining and the negative energy he emulated . I literally had just thrown him a surprise birthday party and invited his few friends and the following week he was right back to everyone hates me and my life sucks theme.
So I ended it with him.
He showed up at my house and laid in my driveway. Crying, babbling about whatever saying, "please don't do this to us. I have nothing."
I just looked at him or through him rather. This poor shell of a man. He had had no idea what I've dealt with in my life and he didn't care either. I had pulled my energy back and I would never extend it to him again.
That's just how I work. If you're not willing to address the issues that have hurt you and that have shaped your emotional outburst reactions that make you appear fucked up or crazy or unstable, then I can't help you. If you don't want to change for yourself, then I just can't help you and I'm wasting my time and energy.
But if you wanna heal and grow and change your life and shape your destiny, then I'm always here for you giving you my love and energy as encouragement to keep moving forward.
Normally, when I see someone in emotional pain crying or hurting, the empath in me would feel it too. I mean, I've been right where he was before. On the ground crying, begging someone to love me. Pleading with them not to abandon me.
Today, I couldn't do any of that. I didn't even want to. His lack of self awareness was, lack for a better word, sickening. It made me sick to watch. To sit there and try to have ME of all people feel sorry for a grown ass man child that is too fn spoiled to realize his own actions. I was seriously watching a grown man throw a temper tantrum.
But at the end of the day, he was unwilling to unlearn his own learned behaviors.
I did start talking to him a couple month later again. I thought maybe he had grown a little like he said he had but in reality; I just lonely. I thought that if I was straight up with him by telling him that I didn't want a relationship with him. I told him I still didn't feel for him like he felt for me. I still had no idea what or if I wanted anything with anybody. I was focused on my and my growth and life and children and dreams and goals, right.
Turns out he just wanted to move in and split bills.. He wanted me to take care of him. He wanted the life he used to have, where he had no real responsibilities and could do what he wanted to do to fill that fn void any time it needed filled..
I was like... ummmm, that's gonna be a hard no for me bud.
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