Standing in MY Truth - Part 1

Trust me, I get it. I really do.

I get really discouraged a lot of the time too. It's hard to put this shit out here like this.

You think you've healed from it because you don't cry anymore when you tell the story or you don't feel anything for that person when you see them in public.

But the truth of the matter is - you just forgot about all the little details and how they made you feel. I've always said it's a lot like child birth. You just forget or block out the pain and then your internal instincts tell you, you want to have another child not remembering the pain you endured giving life to it - until you're in that moment again and it hits you all over again.

Idk how many women have admitted to this in one form or another. I know I have. Laying there in complete pain and agony trying to get that 6, 7, 8 lb baby out of you.

I can tell you 99.99% of us have all yelled or thought, "I'm never doing this again!"

I tried to do it natural once LMAO That didn't last long, I'll tell you that... These women out here giving birth naturally are just better than me. LOL FRFR

Disclaimer: This blog may contain cursing and vulgar language. Not suitable for children under the age of 14. Having said that, this is my blog - so feel free to fuck right off if you don't like it. I'm trying to heal my own emotional traumas and wounds and maybe help someone else by doing it. I apologize in advance if you don't like how my memories and feelings make you feel - but thats on you. That's on you to heal ;)

Thanks for reading!

You'll find that I get off subject quite often here in my fucked up little world I've created.

I like it here though. It's safe here. The only person's feelings I'm hurting here are my own and no one is hurting me for a change.

I'll lay in my hammock of truths and bask in my brilliant light for once; as I allow the wind to blow whispers of unconditional love into my soul. "I wish I had come here sooner", I thought as I opened my eyes and blinked. "And I wish I didn't have to leave so soon", I sigh outward while I pry myself from my favorite meditation chair.

I had learned during this session that I've always been that person to go to if anyone needed anything. I've always been there for everyone and I've always ever done things because I just wanted to help people succeed and grow; it's only ever out of love and support - for my children, my friends, my family, my lovers.

Well, until I stopped anyway. You'd be surprised how many people reach out when you aren't available for what they want or need anymore.

I've blocked a lot of shit out throughout my life. I don't remember a lot of my childhood, fuck, I'm realizing, trying to stand here in my truth now - I don't really remember a lot of anything..

I know it's probably my brain's way of protecting me, and tbh, idk that I would've been able to handle it all at once anyway.

The worst part about all of this now though, is that I seem to be unlocking old memories that I had forgotten. Like, I remember the instance but I never remembered many of the details involving it - until now.

It's like watching a movie for the second or third time, and noticing new things that help you understand the plot better; and just like that second time watching it, you already know how it ends so you're not as concerned with that aspect which, in turn, helps reveal everything else that was meant to be subliminal or casual clues.

So, needless to say, the memories that I had thought I had already healed from have resurfaced with more hurting details this time - if that makes any sense.

I'll admit, it's the absolute best thing I could have ever done for myself. But damn I'm tired asf.

Yea, typing all of this all over again is gd exhausting. I didn't even think about this part of it. I'm so fn tired lately. I cry all the time and at the most inopportune times. People that know me are like, are you going through menopause or what?

I swear to God, I had better not be lmao.

And I'm just kidding. No one asked me how I am.

Everything about me has changed, and is changing. My demeanor, my attitude, my outlook, everything. I feel different. I think different. Change is hard for a lot of us. Change is scary and uncomfortable and down right maddening at times. Change paralyzed me for a long ass time.

Buuttt... I will also tell you that I wake up happy. I wake up with a sense of purpose and admiration for myself and what I'm trying to do here.. I wake up feeling good about myself; and it's honestly the best thing that I could have done for myself.

I'm fn proud of myself.

But here I am 100% avoiding the real topic right now LMAO.

I spent countless of hours and instances, treating people how I desperately wanted to be treated.

I'm not fn perfect, by any means; and if you know me at all, you know I've said this over and over before. I will never claim to be perfect. NEVER. I just won't. Because I'm not. I will not pretend to be and I certainly won't let someone put me on a perfect pedestal they created for me. I'm no better than anyone else.

I am, however, choosing to be better than my old self. (That may make some of us presume that we are better than others but that's only our negative reflection of themselves based on their learned behaviors.)

YES, there have been plenty of instances in the past where I have hurt people because I was hurt.

YES, I have said things that I regret and can never take back.

YES, I have done things that I didn't wanted to do in hopes to be accepted and loved.

WE ALL DO.

We've all been some sort of toxic. We all have some sort of toxic behaviors and tendencies cultivated from learned environmental experiences.

I'll never justify it or defend it or say that they deserved it, because they didn't. No one deserves it.

But I'm also done beating myself up over it. I've done that for long enough.

I'm certainly not going to let the memories of those past versions of me dictate my future actions and responses - seems a little counterproductive I think.

I'm really loving this version of me that I have embraced. I've never felt more "me" in my life.

I was eating a couple pieces of Dove chocolate at a friend's house the other night. Inside the wrappers are little inspirational messages - which I didn't realize until I accidentally saw mine before I wadded it up and tossed it in the trash..

Plucking it out of the trash, I carefully pull apart the wadded foil wrapper in hopes not to rip it.

It read, "Be someone you look up to." Emily N from Kansas.

I think it's cool that Dove puts these messages inside the wrapper that are from real people. Real people's thoughts and hopes for themselves and others.

And I swear to God if this isn't confirmation that I'm on the right path - I don't know what is.

See, I've been trying to distract myself from this blog.. I've been so focused on it and just wearing myself out with it.. I'm not kidding when I say, I'm exhausted from all this healing I thought I had already healed from - sometimes I wonder if I will ever "be okay".

Everyday, it seems to be something fn new. New epiphanies unfold, new blog topic evolve from it, my brain doesn't seem to want to shut off most of the time.

I have to listen to the vibrating screams of the universe telling me to continue on. I have to, right...

I mean, remember, I'm tired of eating shit sandwiches because I've ignored them for so long.

So, as my consciousness and self awareness grows, so do the scratching uncomfortable truths I have been avoiding my whole life..

So, today's truth is - I love writing.

I love writing. I've always been able to articulate written words better than I could ever say it. My communication skills, or lack there of, along with my crippling anxiety of my confrontational issues have really helped to allow me to "Stand in my Truths" since I started this thing.

I've always been so afraid of hurting people's feelings. In part, because I know how terrible it feels to hurt and I grew up not wanting anyone to hurt like I have. I knew how it felt. I've always tried to live by the philosophy, "Be the person you need(ed)".

I thought maybe my gift to the world was not hurting people the way I had been. I thought if I graced them with the understanding, compassion and empathy that I needed, then they would bestow the same unto me. And even if they didn't show me grace; it made me feel good to do that for them anyway.

In the past, it didn't matter how I said things or why I said it, I just always seem to hurt people's feelings by just speaking what I wanted to say. I would end up feeling worse than before. Seeing the look of the truth smack people in their face. I just couldn't do it lolol. So I avoided it all together.

I mean, I can give a written speech flawlessly about history or technical things in front of people and large crowds. I can sing my heart out in front of whoever will listen..

But when it comes to speaking my absolute truths to people, whether it was family, friends, colleagues, lovers, literally anyone. I just couldn't seem to say it and if I did, I said it wrong..

The thought crippled me and I spent a lot of my life not speaking at all. It seemed every time I opened my mouth someone was mad at me or I got in trouble or I hurt someone's feelings.

It was easier to just do as I was told. It was easier to just take the blame and get punished as opposed to try and argue my innocence. No one believed me anyway.

I was the little girl that cried giant rain drop tears when you yelled at her.. I was the young teenager whose mother would give her horse tranquilizer to calm her down during her period because she was an emotional and unconsolable mess. Maybe if she had just held me for a while. Maybe if I had been a priority of hers and maybe just hold me and tell me everything was going to be okay.

But I don't ever remember being held by anybody other than my Gram once or twice.

No one knew why I was this way... No one cared either. I've always just been that super sensitive, sweet, caring, compassionate, emotional people pleasing female that loved way too hard, cared way too much and wore her heart on her sleeve.

It was easier to only speak when I was spoken to. I let people speak over me and at me; eventually, I would just either ended up yelling trying to be heard or I kept everything I wanted to say bottled up until exploded like a shaken 2ltr of soda..

I would hide in whatever bathroom I could find or in my bedroom or in my closet and soothe myself with some sort of unhealthy way to cope with it. No one would see me cry. No one would see how hurt and emotional I was over something so silly - whatever it was over.

I remember my first husband wanting hot dogs for dinner.. My second son had just been born and I was dealing with some postpartum stuff. But I hate hot dogs. I remember him saying he was going to the store for hot dogs. I said okay. He came back with hot dogs, cooked them and said they were ready. I said I didn't want any. He got mad and started yelling at me because he went to the store for hot dogs. I broke down right then and there.

I could have just said I hated hot dogs and didn't want hot dogs.

But I didn't. I'm not justifying him losing his shit over it but I could have just spoke my truth and the situation would have likely never happened.

I figured, I turned to pills because those are my first memories of my mother soothing me when I was like this. After I stopped pills, I turned to alcohol. After alcohol it was marijuana. I always stayed away from hard drugs because I knew..

Lord did I know what would happen to me if I did that to myself.

There has never been a happy medium here with this. I had no idea how to begin speaking my truth until one day.

Until one day I just did.

I wasn't sure what event or situation forced me to speak my truth until a few months ago, when it hit me like a ton of bricks. I've had many events, situations, people that have catapulted me in the direction I'm in now. "My Favorite Lesson" takes credit for this one though.

I truly believe that everyone you meet and encounter (especially new people or strangers if you're self aware enough - if not, it will usually be a lover or partner) sent to you to propel you forward and/or towards your highest purpose.

One day, a handful of years ago, I had decided that I wasn't going to care how people felt when I spoke. It was just better to just let it out then to keep it in and silently drive myself insane to spare everyone else's feelings around me - but my own.

I decided to stop letting things, in general, live rent free in my head.

I had grown tired and weary of fueling the fears of the ramifications of telling my truths. In the past it had just been too much to bare for a long long time. I was so scared of losing that friend or that lover or that family member. From past experiences, you really do see who is there for you and who isn't when shit hits the fan as bad as it had for me way back when.

Bad things have always seemed to happen to me in the past when I opened my mouth and spoke my truths, especially without thinking it through first. I mean, if you are reading any part of my journey, you'll see why I can say that.

My journal writings, this blog, has always just been a way for me to be able to articulate my truths in a way that feels the healthiest for me.

Today, I'm still not great at speaking my truths and I would 100% rather avoid it all together, tbh. My delivery of it could definitely use more work 100% of the time also but I'm figuring it out and it feels better and better every time I try.

Now if I could only figure out discerning which truths need revealed now and which truths need to ferment a little longer....