What would you do if you didn't have to work your life away? If you could fulfill your one truest inner most desire?
What would that be?
What is your highest self's purpose in this life?
That, my friends, is your purpose.. or your calling... idc what you call it as long as you listen to it and follow it.
Disclaimer: This is my blog - so feel free to fuck right off if you don't like it. I'm trying to heal my emotional traumas and wounds - I apologize in advance if you don't like how my memories and feelings make you feel - but thats on you. That's on you to heal ;)
Thanks for reading!
The day I began listening to mine, my whole entire life changed. The day I decided to dedicate time to doing something (anything) every single day; was the day it changed for me.
What's mine? Well, a couple years ago, I would have told you that I wanted to build a treehouse retreat on our property down in east Tennessee..
Whispering Woods, is it's name.. It will always be that to me regardless of what I end up creating with it.. It just came to me one day.. I was taking on a new venture, woodworking.. That's another article for another day lol..
I had been creating a logo and name for it. I wanted it to be my brand for everything.. I didn't know everything at the time but I wanted to use it universally. If that makes any sense.
At the time, I was in a terrible fucking marriage. He worked on the road and I was alone A LOT during that six years. I mean, A LOT. All those birthdays.. yup, alone. Christmases.. That's right, alone.
Alone with my kids, his kid and my legal shit going on that I told you about.
Man was I a fucking mess.
Anyway, my Gram's long time partner passed away and he was a woodworker. My Gram wanted to me to carry on his retirement's life work.
I ended up paying $350 for an entire wood shop, patterns, inventory, enclosed trailer.. My second husband encouraged (pushed) me to this venture also. So, naturally, I did what I was told.
I needed a distraction anyway, right. I seem to turn all my hobbies into small businesses for some reason or another. I think it's because I've always had to work second or third jobs to support my men's hobbies; but at the same time be available to them when they need me.. An at home source of income was a better way to service both and everyone.
I was always just looking to fill that ugly fucking void really tho.
I was just trying to ignore the universe screaming at me all the time.. Instead, I told myself that I wasn't good enough to dream for that. Telling myself that I would never be able to do this alone. I remember telling a dear friend of mine once that I would have to sell my wood shop because at this point in my life, I couldn't afford to purchase material to make anything. I filled my head with doubt and fear and pure hatred for myself. I convinced myself that this was easier.
Damn it, I digress.. Where was I? Oh, the wood working logo and name.
One day during my shit show of a life. I called my mom and said, "I can't talk right now but please don't sell the farm. I want it. I'll call you later to explain." She had it listed for like 3 years or something. I didn't care about it then.. But one day I did.
We had been talking a little more during this time of my life. I'm not real sure why. Nothing was different besides the fact that she was paying attention to me..
But that day I had called her - everything changed for me.
I was sitting outside staring out into the horizon. (I still do this to this day. I didn't know it then but its how I meditate.)
Anyway, I had envisioned a sanctuary for broken souls that needed guidance to find their purposes in this lifetime.. For people who were tired of eating one shit sandwich after another. For people who wanted to find meaning and fulfillment.
For people who needed to know how to love themselves. For people who needed help finding courage or their voice to stand up for themselves.
For people like me.
For people like me who don't have anyone. For people like me who have to pull their own fucking selves out of the depth of their own personal hell. ALONE.
I didn't have anyone keeping a gun from my head..
See, I was just that.. broken and lost. No sense of who I was or what I wanted. I mean, hell, my kids didn't even know me without a man in the house.. I had absolutely no idea who tf I was either.
All I really know is that I was alone. All I really knew was that I was tired.. Sick and tired of being sick and tired.. I did want more.
All I know is that I went from one man to another. I always, had a man dictating my everything.. From dinners I cooked to the bills I paid or didn't pay; to my fucking shower schedule to the clothes I wore to the way I kept my hair..
I had never not been without a man.. I was pathetic or at least that's how I thought of myself. All I really knew is that I didn't want my daughter to grow up thinking that this was acceptable and I sure asf don't want my sons growing up thinking that's how you treat women.
My mom has never been without a man either..
Neither had my grandmother until later in retirement after her long time partner passed; and even then she was 90 i think.. She'd never been alone.
And even then she was in constant contact with some one to fill her voids.. She used to say to me, "Your Aunt calls me everyday.. You should call your grandmother. I just want you to fill me in on your day.. your life.".
Well, we all knew that was a lie.. She just wanted to tell me what she thought I should do with my life and where I was wrong and how to correct it.
Bless her heart, I love her to death (and I still talk to her all the time) but gd she bitched about everything..
I don't think I'll ever not hear her voice in my head.. She's definitely haunting me.. lmao I mean watching over me.
Alright, people like me, (Yawns), sweet dreams. Until next time. 💋
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