Well, hey there, Ms. I've been putting this story off for long enough. The universe likes to smack me in the face when I'm not doing what I'm supposed to be doing.
And this one stung a little - so, fn fine God - here I am.
I left off with being denied for low income housing due to those 6 pesky pending felony charges that loomed over me. If you're just coming in to this shit show, allow me to catch you up real quick. At this point in my life the State had charged me with 6 felonies, my first husband had filed for divorce and I had applied for low income housing. I had just written a letter to the housing corporation claiming discrimination and violation of my 5th Amendment Rights.
Disclaimer: This blog may contain cursing and vulgar language. Not suitable for children under the age of 14. Having said that, this is my blog - so feel free to fuck right off if you don't like it. I'm trying to heal my own emotional traumas and wounds and maybe help someone else by doing it. I apologize in advance if you don't like how my memories and feelings make you feel - but that's on you. That's on you to heal ;)
Thanks for reading!
I remember thinking why me? Who did I fuck over in either this lifetime or a previous one for the shit sandwich karma was cramming down my throat right now. My hands were clammy and sweaty. I don't remember the last time I actually slept. I spent my nights praying to God or whoever tf is up there that's been puppeteering the strings to this living nightmare I've been enduring.
Had I eaten today?
I tried to press my finger down to click that send button.. Not sure how long I sat there trying to stare will power into my finger. Just fucking do it already.
Sent.
"Jesus", I sighed as I slumped back into my chair. The lump swelling in my throat had made it impossible for me to speak in those days. I swallowed hard, trying to get that last bit of shit sandwich down I'm guessing. I just sat there staring at the computer screen.
I'm not real sure how much time had passed after that. Maybe a day or two, a week? I don't know. I don't remember. I was still staring at that computer screen. I found myself just staring off into space often back then. I don't know where I would go or what I was doing. Coping maybe. Retreating into that safe space I found myself in often as a child perhaps.
My phone rang. It startled me. I just stared at it before coming back to reality.
What day was it? What time was it? Where's my coffee?
I tried to answer it. I really did. I tried to make my body move. I heard them yelling at me to answer it. But I just couldn't move.
Widen, tear stained eyes, just staring at the phone ring. Looking up, checking my surroundings, wiping the tears that had escaped my eyes without permission, wishing I was dead, not having enough will power in that moment to answer.
Fear had paralyzed me. Fears of rejection, abandonment, and failure were swirling around in my head making me incoherent and faint. I honestly didn't think I could take another hit. Instead of answering the phone, I began thinking of ways to end my life if this didn't work out. I was ready to go. I was tired of fighting this fucked up battle that had been my entire life. I was tired of fighting for people to believe me or accept me or to love me or to fucking care about me. Tears flood my vision as I say my silent good byes to everyone. In that moment, I was done with my life. I had thrown the pervial towel in and calling it quits. Giving up.
Over my own irrational voice of despair, I could hear someone in the distance talking to me but I couldn't turn my head to see who it was. The noise in my head was so damn loud. I couldn't hear anything. Next thing I knew she was standing next to me with her hand on my shoulder saying, "Answer the phone".
Snapping back to reality, I answer the phone. It was the housing corporation. They had approved my housing application on a temporary basis. I tried to speak but no words or sentences would form.. I did managed a few non verbal acknowledgement sounds but that's the best I could muster in that moment.
I remember sarcastically thanking God as I hung up. It was one of those all encompassing sighs of relief for saving me from the dark night that was sure to follow if I had been subject to another harsh rejection paired with resentment for making this nightmare continue on when death would have been so much easier.
A couple weeks after I had written the previous post to this series, I was looking through old flash drives for pictures of my son for his graduation this coming year.. Maybe its a little early to be going through the last 18 years of his little life but I was trying to stay ahead of it and be a good and organized mom that I wish I had had.
Anyway, I found that letter to the housing company. I had forgotten what it said all these years later, but then I read it and I remembered. I was surprised to feel the sting of my tears on my cheeks as I read through it for the first and final time.
I'm soooo damn proud of my old self for writing that. I stood my ground and won. Little did I know then but that was a very important step in the right direction for my life...
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