It used to bother me that people would say to me, "well, you're pretty so it's easier for you" or "its easy to love yourself when you look like you do".. or "you just post selfies for attention." or "maybe you wouldn't attract the men you do, if you didn't post all those selfies".
Well, first and foremost, go fuck yourself.
And secondly, it's not any easier to love yourself if you are naturally pretty or slender or wealthy or tall. It's just not and for anyone who says different is flat out lying and is fake af and I'll tell them they can also go fuck themselves too.
Disclaimer: This is my blog - so feel free to fuck right off if you don't like it. I'm trying to heal my emotional traumas and wounds - I apologize in advance if you don't like how my memories and feelings make you feel - thats on you. That's on you to heal ;)
Thanks for reading!
I can also tell you, from experience, that I never thought I was pretty. I never thought I was enough. I never once looked in that mirror back at myself and thought I was skinny or smart or beautiful. Not once.
I can also tell you that I don't have guys knocking down my door throwing their undying affection and love at me either. LMAO. I've never had that. No boys came at me or wanted me - that I knew of anyway. I always thought it was because they were scared of my brother that was 6 years older than me; and that no one wanted me - The theme of my life it would seem. But I didn't know any different.
I can also tell you that no one told me I was beautiful or smart or capable of anything growing up as a child; and I will tell you that I chased things that weren't meant for me.
My Gram used to tell me to not eat so much. She always made me eat salads. I still eat salads a lot to this day. I hate them. But I want to look and feel good. Eating salads is much better than being anorexic, right. I hated salads so much that I grew into my teens thinking if i can't eat what I want, I won't eat anything - it helped that we didn't have any food in the house either though.
And that's exactly what I did. I had to stay skinny. Needless to say, me and anorexia have had a life long on/off toxic relationship.
My Gram also used to tell me that I needed to do more with my school work, take more classes, learn to play the piano. I would say but grandma, "I want to sing and dance. I want to be a kid and have fun.". She would say, "you don't get anywhere in life having fun. You work to get to where you want to be. Take caffeine pills to help you get more done".
So I did. I eventually ended up taking too much once.. On purpose.
My Gram taught me how to deep clean baseboards, and floors, bathrooms and scrub the shit out of your misery lol. I still do this to this day.. If you ever see me deep cleaning, bet your ass I'm upset about something LMAO.
Of course this all took place at my house where my mother had long given up domestic duties. I or my step dad were the ones that usually cleaned. I vaguely remember her doing much of anything other than what she wanted to do when she wanted to do it. I only remember her cooking a holiday meal a handful of times. I remember one year she made so many homemade pies. I just remember thinking, so she does know how. She just chose not to do it.
She was on her own journey also. I get it. Every year, she seemed to shed some form of my grandmother from her soul.
I'm sure my grandmother passed her "wisdom" down to all of us, but especially to my mother, I'm sure. She was the oldest sibling. From my parental experience, the first one is the hardest because nobody knows what tf they are doing. lol
My mother, thinking she was breaking that generational cycle, chose to carry it on in a different form, however, producing the same result in her own children.
See, I've talked to my mom about this stuff before. She really resented my grandmother for a lot of deep dark shit that took place in her childhood. Shit that my aunt and uncle may or may not even know about. Shit that I certainly would not have dealt with well either.
I understand we all create unhealthy coping mechanism to deal with our traumas. I understand that and I've accepted it. And I'm honestly, not mad or upset at her anymore. She is still very selfish and unaware of her actions but I choose when and how I interact with her.
It's just really sad to me instead. She doesn't know any of her grandchildren or their birthdays. She's never sent a birthday card, or present or called. She has MAYBE visited me and my brother, 10 times in 20 years. She didn't even know I could sing until she was here visiting and we went to karaoke once. She actually said I was really good.
My Gram didn't know I could sing either. She had requested me to sing at her celebration of life. Instead of being honest with her or my aunt, I chose to be busy that weekend. They didn't believe in me then.. Yes, I love my Gram very much. She was more of a mother than my own. She is the only person I've ever mourned.
I don't even think I would cry at my own mother's funeral. I didn't know her and we certainly did not have an emotional bond.
Neither of them knew anything about me. Which makes me fn sad asf sometimes. I could have used someone I could call and talk to who loves me unconditionally and would give me some solid advice. Someone I could trust.
With my mother, I'm the only one who called(s) and every time I did (do), we always talk about her and what's going on in her life. Still to this day, I'm the one that calls her. I couldn't tell you the last time we spoke on the phone. My brother, her and I are in a messenger group chat now but he's the only one who messages it really.
My Gram was the opposite. She complained that I did not call her weekly. "Your aunt calls me everyday", she would say. She would go on to say something else that would guilt me into feeling like I should want to please her.
My Gram was the best lady I knew but damn could she manipulate tf out of you to get her way.
My mother, on the other hand, was just a shitty mom. As a child, I was devastated. I spent most of my childhood chasing her.
Knowing what I know now, and the fact that I'm going through my own thing here, I don't think it was because she wanted to be. I don't think that at all. I just think she had so much trauma, and her being the eldest child, she just had to much to deal with. Honest to God, I don't blame her or hate her or anything. I love her and hope she finds peace in this lifetime.
Regardless, I'm here to identify my own learned behaviors, the hardest part for me, was growing up knowing she was capable of being the best version of herself. I've seen it, not very often and soon after she had married my step dad, she was just a shell of a woman at one point.
She tried to tell me I couldn't get my license because the first time I ever got in trouble; I actually got expelled. lol
I was like, what now you want to fn be a mom and discipline me? My step dad agreed to not getting my license but after like 6 fn month he was tired of driving my ass everywhere.. I mean, she wasn't around and I still had to fn work - so he took me to get my license lol. She didn't even find out for another month or so after that I think. Boy was she pissed. I just looked at her and was like wtf are you so god damn mad about?
She's still pissed about it.. LMAO She even brought it up, in front of my daughter, when we were passing through back in March of this year. Can you imagine letting something live rent free in your head for the last 26 years?
Well, turns out she was jealous of me and my step dad's relationship. I was growing up and he knew how she was. He knew she was a shitty mom. I believe he referred to her as, "inconsistent".
She used to meditate and read tarot cards and practice wiccan.. I thought she was nuts but she was always nice, interactive with me even, when she was doing stuff like that.
I remember her having a job taking care of this old guy once. I may have been 8. She would do her duties and then eventually I would find her sitting on the floor in front of this big beautiful bay window that overlooked the old man's landscape. This wall window was massive and beautiful. The way the window grid made it look almost like a portal to another realm. Lol I'll never forget it; and I'll never forget, how beautiful she was sitting in front of it.
Multiple times I would find her there and she would be so beautiful and radiant. She seemed to always have a bright white glow to her when she was doing this. I didn't know what she was doing. I thought she was sleeping sitting up with her legs crossed. She was so relaxed and nice after I had woken her up.
So, yeah, I knew she was capable of being that mom that I needed. I'll never forget these couple moments. In fact, I clung to them throughout my childhood trying to remind myself that I didn't despise her and resent her or hate her. I didn't want to at all. I desperately, wanted love from her.
The facts remain, that she was very selfish, almost narcissistic, manipulative, cold, distracted and busy.
Even though, didn't want to think of her like that and I clung desperately to those few memorable moments of love and kindness, at the end of the day, that's exactly who she was.
I mean, I get it.. I truly do. We all have shit we are trying to heal from. Some of us are just brave enough to face it until we find some shred of peace. I don't think she ever will at this point.
So let's break this down for today:
I chased people because that's all I knew how to do.
I chased because I wanted to feel their love, affection, time and praise.
I chased because I wanted to feel valued.
I chased after their hopes and dreams instead of my own.
I let people around me that didn't have my best intentions at heart but I didn't care because I didn't think I was anything worth having. I mean, at this point of my life, no one really wanted me, right?
I'm gonna let you in on a little secret right now. Take it if you want. Idgaf either way. I'm here to help the ones that want the help. So if you're a troll or hater just leave and go find someone else to fuck with.
The absolute first step in self love is not giving a single fuck about what anyone says or how anyone tries making you feel. For me, this was by far the hardest part of all of it.
It's about letting go of other peoples opinions, beliefs and perceptions of you and for you.
Most importantly, it's about letting go of the attachment or trauma bond you have with that need for approval. That need for validation. That need for acceptance from strangers, people who do not pay your bills and certainly do not raise your kids.
It's about releasing and unlearning all the unhealthy ways we learned to cope with the trauma situation we found ourselves in. I will tell you that 9 times out of 10 we develop these unhealthy coping skills during our childhood.
First step is to commit to the unlearning (like I said, starting is the hardest fn part) of all those learned behaviors. We'll get to that next.
None of this is easy by any means, but you will love yourself and accept everything there is about yourself. So, if this is what you want then you'll need to dive deep into your own psyche to find those very first moments that shaped your future forever. You'll have to spend some time identifying your learned behaviors and then ten times that amount of time unlearning them.
Trust me, if I can do it, you can do it.
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