Why do we care so much about what other people think about us?
I’ll tell you right, that this was probably the hardest part for me. God how I used to care what everyone thought. Mainly my grandmother and mother really, but my need to please them just overflowed to the rest of my life.
I have bent over backwards for people who loved me one day and disregarded me the next.
It takes a special kind of self-awareness to let go of that attachment to validation. It’s been instilled in us since birth. We’ve been conditioned since birth to act right, be right, see right, hear right. To listen to others. We literally don’t know any better.
Better yet, to be able to recognize that in you and want to change it... Well, that is nothing short of impossible.
A lot of us neglect the whispers from our ancestors in our dreams and neglect the aching need to let go of all those learned behaviors in which weigh you down, constrict you, bind you and hold you captive to this material world.
It’s hard, I know. And, tbh, it’s a total commitment that not many of us are ever ready to face in our lifetime. It took me some very difficult lessons before I finally began my journey..
The only thing I can say here, is that once you decide to commit, your lives will change for the better; and as long as you continue to commit to it, the universe will continue to reward you.
Ohh and also, there is no fn turning back from here. js
Disclaimer: This is my blog - so feel free to fuck right off if you don't like it. I'm trying to heal my emotional traumas and wounds - I apologize in advance if you don't like how my memories and feelings make you feel - but thats on you. That's on you to heal ;)
Thanks for reading!
This part of my journey really started back in 2012. I was LITERALLY forced to not care what other people thought about me. I took pride in being a "good" kid (for the most part lol), a "good" citizen, a "good" person, and a "good" wife.
I had come so far in my life and at this point to have the material things I had and was proud of myself. Granted, I still wasn't happy in my first marriage and nothing I did seemed to change that.
I had decided to try and working through everything that didn't make me happy - my weight, my job(s), my marriage, everything. I began working out and losing some weight on my own but then found a gym with classes that I wanted to take.. I, eventually, began teaching class there. I've always just wanted to inspire and promote self love because God knows, I did not love myself.
If it's published, you can read "My 1st Husband" for more on that.
After being unemployed for a few months, I remember getting on my knees and praying to God asking him to help me find a job. Money makes hard marriages even harder.
(Reflecting back I think maybe God was confused about my request or some wires got crossed somewhere or maybe the universe is just a sick stupid bitch that likes watching people suffer. I've definitely said this a time or two in my lifetime.)
Well, sure enough, a week later, I started working as a bookkeeper for a criminal defense attorney. I liked it well enough but the legal side of it really interested me. I thought I would do the bookkeeping to get my foot in the door and then I could learn and grow from there. At this point, I had no formal education to speak of other than several college courses, degrees that required only 3 credit to complete.
(Like my mother, I rarely finish anything and I was usually off to the next whimsical thing to distract myself with.)
As I promised myself, I began picking up some paralegal duties and learning law. I've always wanted to be an attorney. I wanted to be a senator actually. I always thought I wanted to make differences in people's lives some how or another. But I wanted to be liked and admired and respected. I've wanted to prove something to someone (everyone) for some reason lol idk, it all seems really stupid now as I finally finish this entry.
In reality, though and at that time, I didn't believe myself to be any of those things. The truth is I ignored myself. I ignored my intuition. I ignored my thoughts and instincts; and I flat out ignored the inner child screaming at me. I ignored the red flags and I ignored the people in my life that were actually trying to help me.
I poured everything I had into that legal job and that attorney. I bent over backwards for him. I went out of my way for him. I did everything for him. Literally everything except wipe his ass.
One day, a year or so in, he called me yelling and cursing at me because his credit card had declined while at dinner with colleagues. I immediately became frantic with thoughts that he was disappointed in me (I had just made a large payment on that card a few days prior. I knew he was going to be out of town for a conference and I made sure he had plenty of money for what he needed.)
I can hear his condescending tone now, ugh, makes me fn sick to think how I tolerated such dog shit from people over my lifetime thus far - just because I cared what they thought.
I chuckle thinking, he probably wouldn't hire the woman I am today lol; and I'm 100 percent okay with that.
Anyway, the following week was terrible. He began making my work day miserable; making me get everyone's lunch order, picking up everyone's lunch, belittling jabs and remarks in front of everyone about my inefficiencies, making me do the summer intern's duties.
I was besides myself. How could he treat me like this because of one little mistake?
I finally snapped one day after he had made a comment about how incompetent I was regarding his credit card issue. I simply said calmly, "I can't help that you blow through money like you do gin" (or something like that lmao). I thought it was a good comeback, even if I couldn't look him in the eye as I said it. lol
Later that day, he had told me to contact the handyman and set up the the intern's office. He asked three times if that man had gotten back with me yet. Finally, I said, "I have contacted him and left him a message and he has not gotten back to me yet. Maybe you should call him instead of bothering me about every 30 minutes."
The next day he fired me. He ended up fighting my unemployment like he said he wouldn't. He didn't pay me my last paycheck like he said he would. He treated me unfairly and ultimately, produced the biggest catalyst/growth moment of my life, like my intuition said he would.
(The week after I got fired, I took my oldest son and my daughter down south to stay with my step-dad for a month. I needed a break.. from everything.. Prior to these events, I had expressed to my husband that I did not want to be with him anymore. I thought a break from him would help.)
During my escape down south, I received a call from a business owner that was interested in hiring me. The business just happened to be directly across the street from that attorney and coincidentally, I was referred to them by that attorney's very close business associate. They hired me within a few days that I got back from down south.
I had also reconnected with a lifelong friend and old roommate. See entry, "My Second Husband" for more on that life lesson.
A few weeks after I got back from down south, I was driving home and received a phone call. I didn't recognize the number so I let it go to voicemail. I played the message as I was pulling into my driveway.
It was a state detective asking me to come in for an interview regarding allegation that had been brought to his attention. I opened my car door and I threw up. I threw up until I was dry heaving - which hadn't been much because I could barely eat with out being sick to my stomach those days. I had been an emotional mess since I first heard the words, "theft" and "fraud".
(I'd never been in any trouble my entire life. I only had maybe two speeding tickets ever. I've made it an unhealthy mission to become a productive and responsible contributing member to society, right?!)
I stood up with tears streaming down my face, I took a couple steps and collapsed to my knees. I just sobbed. I really honestly couldn't believe any of this was happening to me. All I could think about was, "wtf did I do to deserve this shit? All I ever did was help that man. All I ever did was my absolute very best for him and his practice. Why was this fn happening to me?"
At this point, all I knew was that my previous employer had fought my unemployment because he claimed I had conducted theft. I knew that I had lost my claim with the Department of Labor because he claimed that he reported my malicious activity to the authorities and he claimed that he did not pay me my last paycheck because I owed him that.
I remember, being on my hands and knees, puking, crying, sobbing - snot and tears just covered my entire face and shirt. Still on all fours, not really knowing how long I had been there like that. I sit back on my knees and look down, grab my shirt, cup my face and begin to wiped my face. Still sniffling, I tried to stop the tears and compose myself. I mean, imagine what would people think of me if they saw me like this.
I tilted back my head in hopes that maybe an answer would fall from the sky and hit me in the face and I would magically wake up from this fn nightmare I was experiencing.
When it didn't, I silently screamed at the universe or God or whatever celestial being would hear me pleading for mercy.
No one is coming to save you, I heard myself sob.
A few deep breathes and I was on my feet gathering all the things I had dropped in my moments of despair. I put my things in the house and went to get my kids from school calling the detective on the way. We set a time to meet later that evening at the city police station. I picked up my kids like nothing had ever happened and took them home.
I don't really remember my husband being too concerned about any of this. I don't even remember if he had said anything about it at all honestly. He didn't even hug me or consoled me.
And there I was alone and afraid. Again.
Ugh, I'm not taking a break today. Ok.
Anyway, I called two people before this interview with the state detective; My dad (step-dad) for moral support and my most trusted person who happens to be an expert in the legal field.
If it's one thing I learned from my previous employer was to never talk to the nice police officer, but I did anyway.. Why you ask? Its literally rule number one in criminal defense - do not consent to anything without your lawyer present.
(At this point, there were no charges filed and, for fuck sake, I DIDN'T DO God Damn thing wrong.)
I wasn't going to back down from this. Not now, not fn ever.. That mother fucker can kiss my fucking ass. I will fight until my last dying breath before I let that piece of shit narcissist fuck knock me down because I stood up to him. Mad because I rejected him. lmao He was always buying me gifts, talking sweet to me - up until those last days where is manipulative sweet adorations turn harsh and nasty lmao. Fuck that guy.
So, yea, fuck that soulless bigot of a human being. I vowed right then and there that he was gonna be sorry for what he had done to me..
I hadn't been the first person he had done this to either. I had heard twisted and one sided stories from him but no one was really around to defend their side; and I didn't dare think for myself.
See, he had some influence in the legal community in some form or fashion. I remember paying his cellphone bill and seeing a circuit court clerk's name as owner of a line. I never questioned anyone or anything. I just did what I was told.. I knew things about that man that no one knew. I knew he had an illegitimate African American child that no one knew about on a life insurance policy that I don't think anyone knew about either; but I knew about it because I had to pay the premium.
I also knew that he had tax liens and was in debt up to his eyeballs. I knew he didn't actually have a fn pot to piss in. I remember him telling me about his investigator buddy (I think he's a county councilman now or something lmao) who was in the state police with him; how they fraudulently covered up funds that were missing in a state police fund years ago. For almost two years, I listened to this man boast about all the bullshit that made him so damn powerful today; how he won millions of dollars on contingency cases only to have no money left but still spend like he does. AND THEN pick on the people that call him out on it.
Well, no fucking more, that day I vowed that he will never do this to anyone else..
As I sat there staring at the police station, trying to calm myself, I asked for strength. I went into that interview; and I fn smashed it.
I didn't feel like I did at the time but later my high profile very expensive defense attorney said it was the best interview he'd ever seen. lol
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