I had been consumed with this legal issue from the second I heard of its possible existence.
Luckily, for me, I did listen to a small piece of my intuition at one point.. Shortly after I started working there, I had backed up files, text messages, notes, journal entries regarding my employer.. I had saved everything.. I had also saved almost everything from that network to my flash drive. I was just covering my own ass for a change for some reason.
Disclaimer: This blog may contain cursing and vulgar language. Not suitable for children under the age of 14. Having said that, this is my blog - so feel free to fuck right off if you don't like it. I'm trying to heal my own emotional traumas and wounds and maybe help someone else by doing it. I apologize in advance if you don't like how my memories and feelings make you feel - but thats on you. That's on you to heal ;)
Thanks for reading!
I mean, I guess, having him boastfully tell stories about about ruining other people's lives, made me nervous. lmao. Something told me to do it.
I ended up knowing a lot of secrets.
I spent weeks organizing my information, preparing my defense and just handing it all over to the attorney I was meeting that day.
I hadn't slept in idk how many days at this point, living off caffeine, ibuprofen and adderall. But I was ready, I remember thinking, as I looked over the 3" binders I had composed and filed with evidence supporting my innocence..
I thought it was brilliant actually. I was proud of myself.
I had asked my husband to drive me because I hadn't slept, like I said, in idk how many days. The sun was hurting my eyes, the pressure in my head and face was maddening and I just didn't feel safe driving a hour away to meet this lawyer. I mean, I was an absolute mess, during this time of my life. But something in me, said he really just wanted to hear what the attorney had to say about it and get his professional's prognosis of my situation - rather than hear it from me.
He never did much of anything with me or for me so I was a little surprised he agreed to drive me.
Tbh, I was really just secretly scared that I would wreck myself on purpose and hoping that would take my life. I didn't want to be a coward and commit suicide. The bible says that's wrong. Plus my life insurance policy wouldn't pay out for that.
But if I died in a car accident, no one would know what a coward I really was and all of my secrets would be safe, my kids wouldn't have to deal with me and I wouldn't end up failing them like I was failing my first born. I mean, fuck, failing at life period at this point.
I was just being selfish, not wanting to play this shitty ass hand of life I had been dealt. I was always being dealt shitty hands. It seemed to make sense to me at the time.
Of course, my babies would hug me and I would forget about all of my problems in their embrace.. My middle son was the cutest, most loving little boy I had ever known. He would cup my face and say, I love you mommy. He's a young man now but he is still the cutest, sweetest, most loving and caring soul I've ever known.
Yeah, I know.. lmao I'm totally getting off subject and procrastinating from telling this story.
Ok. So my husband took the day off work and drove me to meet my attorney. I don't remember that we spoke the whole way there. I don't think he'd asked me if there was anything he could do to help or how it was coming or how I felt about it all. He probably just didn't know what to say - not sure I would have said anything either though.
We pull up to the building.. a tower looking mini skyscraper high rise with 20+ floors. I remember thinking it was a cool old historical building. Majestic really. The way the early morning sun lit up the lead spandrel panels and terra cotta crown, enhancing the brilliance of the 1930's art deco's gold details and highlights.
Funny, how I can remember those kinds of details. Thinking back at it now, it was just God or The Universe or The Divine (whatever you believe in) giving me reassurance and illuminating the light at the end of the tunnel.
I had a sickening feeling that this tunnel I was entering was going to be long and painful but I remember feeling as if I was would survive the journey.
I gathered my tote bags full of binders and sticky notes (of all sizes), pens, tab dividers, notebook, you name it.. I was ready.
I put money in the parking meter and had asked my husband to keep an eye on it so we didn't get a ticket. I wasn't sure how long we would be there but I remember putting enough quarters in it for a couple of hours.
I couldn't help but relic in the 1,774 ton steel structure faced with 21k cubic feet of limestone and granite.
I walked up to the massive seven panel bronze revolving door; the sun danced off the gold accents blinding me momentarily, reassuring me and giving me confidence and strength as I push to cultivate momentum through them.
My arms where so fn heavy. God I was tired. Ugh, my eyes burned with every blink.
It took everything I had to push through those heavy massive revolving doors with those heavy tote bags filled with my innocence on my shoulders.
I stumbled into the lobby as my bags fall to my elbows. My husband grabs one from behind me. I look back as if I had been violated until I realized it was him. I had forgotten he was there. He was waiting behind me as I stopped to marvel in its architectural greatness.
Later, I learned that it was the tallest building in the state for about 40 years.. It's lobby alone was two stories tall. It contained large art deco murals depicting the industries and the seasons, using elemental symbolism from Greek and Egyptian traditions, such as a female form to represent fecundity and the sun to represent energy.
Unknowingly, that building and I would spend quite a bit of time together, particularly, at the 1930's soda shop that had been preserved and functioning after all those years. I always thought that I would have liked to have been alive then.. Well, any other time than this one really..
Alright, lol, back to it.
I find the attorney's name on the lobby's office location listing sign and make our way to the elevator, nodding reluctantly at the security guard as I passed.
"14th floor please", I say to a patron who was also going up.
Even the elevator and the dings it let out after passing each floor seemed to encompass the early nineteenth century. I wondered how safe it was as it dangled my miserable little life between its cables..
"Well, damn", I thought to myself as the elevator comes to a crickety stop. Stepping out and looking from side to side; I realize, sadly, I'm still alive and here for a very specific reason.
Turning left I made my way through the hallway stopping in front of his office door. For some reason I had expected to see the rain glass half door with his name arched in gold letters, like some black and white private investigator movie from the 60's; but it was just a solid wood door.
I don't remember opening the door or talking to his paralegal. I can't for the life of me remember her name. I don't remember waiting in a lobby area waiting to be seen. And now that I think harder about it.. I don't really remember what his waiting room looked like either. I remember it having multiple offices and I remember seeing a receptionist.. But I can't remember the layout for some reason.
(This journey journal has made me realize just how much I actually blocked out of my life.)
I'm assuming at this point, I checked in with the receptionist and waited for my attorney to come get me or she could have just sent me straight back. For some reason I remember him always at his desk with a cigarette. I didn't see him get up much. He usually always called, OMG what's her fucking name... I can see her face plain as day.. She was pretty, dark hair. dark eyes I think, slender. We talked and emailed regularly.. I couldn't imagine I'd ever forget her name.
Actually, he came out to greet us that first time. I just remember focusing on trying not to throw up the coffee I had on the way there. Pretty sure the elderly receptionist would not have appreciated that.
He was an older, tall, slender man.. Looked like he also lived off of caffeine, cigarettes, ibuprofen and adderall and/or cocaine maybe.
I thought he was an odd looking man at first. He kept his hair, for lack of a better term, like an old man mullet but didn't quite look like a mullet - if that makes any sense.
I didn't care what he looked like, his reputation proceeded itself and he had been a designated super lawyer for the past 14 years or so. He was a good ole' boy gone bad and he seem to spend the majority of his life defending people and sticking it the man. lmao.
We really did get to know each other during those 3 years together. lol. We spent a lot of hours together for not knowing each other. I learned a lot about him in that time.
Per usual, I spent a lot of time listening and only speaking when spoken to; but he did eventually talk to me about his personal life some. I knew he was married to a younger beautiful woman. He liked to drink. He had sons. Had been married more times than I could keep track of.. Or maybe he was always talking about his current wife. She seemed needy and he was exhausted lol
I don't think he had any daughters, if he did, I don't remember him talking about it. or maybe they were estranged.. Or maybe that's why he invested so much time on me and this case.
Anyway, damn, I'm having a hard time today. As I think back, I remember more as oppose to being in the moment and writing it like its a journal entry - if that makes sense. I think that's why I get distracted because I'm just writing what I'm thinking as oppose to converting a journal entry.
I remember her name now! I wonder how's she's doing all these years later. She was a single mom with a little boy.. He must be grown by now. He looked a lot like her. I think he played baseball too maybe. I think she had a boyfriend or something. I remember her being frustrated one day about it and venting. It's hard to remember every detail of every time someone I don't know talks to me about their lives lol. I've learned that I can't hold on to it for very long if at all. I usually let it go right after the encounter.. It's all an energy exchange and you'll figure out eventually that you won't want just anyone's energy to linger with you.
Okay, anyway..
He led us back to his office. He waved his arm to the chairs on the left in front of his desk as he circled it to sit down himself.
We sat and I immediately started taking out my binders. I remember him staring at me as he lit a cigarette and took a long drag. He sat back in his chair and just watched me.. The smoke from his cigarette filled the room and at the same time being drug to the corner where his smoke eater sat under the giant corner window overlooking the downtown city area. It was really a great view.
He had my file open on his desk. It contained basic charging instruments, probably cause affidavit. Apparently, the prosecuting attorney made clerical errors in my charging instruments, prolonging issuant of an arrest warrant. "Seems a little sloppy", I heard him mutter. He continued to review the file for a few minutes, sits back in his chair and says, "I'm gonna need a 5k dollar retainer to start.".
I was like, "ok"... Not like I was going to negotiate his price with him or anything.
He started asking me questions. He explained to me that we will be having a very intimate conversation about the case and that he was the one fighting for me and he needed to know everything. He needed to know the the truth and if I held anything from him then he would no longer be able to represent me. He said I have to be prepared for anything and everything.. No curve balls.
He asked me to tell him my side of the story.
So I did. I told him everything. I showed him my binders containing my innocence; text messages where my ex employer had agreed to or said to do or told me to do. I had it all.
I also told him that I will NEVER take a plea deal and said that I will take this all the way to a jury trial. So, if that's not something he was willing to do then point me in the direction of someone that would.
He was more than up for the challenge. I could see the enthusiasm flood his body as our conversation continued. He sat up, grabbed law books, made notes as I talked. He seemed genuinely excited to take on my case. He believed me. He was ready to advocate for me.
He seemed excited and that gave me hope. I was relieved to see the change in his demeanor from when we first met a few hours ago.
Damn it! Shit, the parking meter I thought! I looked over at my husband who could have very well been asleep. Is that drool running down his arm? Jesus. I just stared at him in disgust or disbelief or both maybe.
I nudged him awake. My face looking a lot like my mug shot I imagined. Pissed. I silently screamed, "the parking meter?!" Wow was I mad. I couldn't remember the last time I was that mad at him.. Oh wait, yea I do.
So, yea, needless to say, I had a parking ticket waiting for me on my windshield and another silent car ride home.
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