Like I had said previously, I really don't remember anything for weeks after I was formally charged and booked into jail.
I don't really remember much about this particular day either, tbh.. I just know it happened.
It was October 30th, 2013. I only know the date because that's the date that was printed on the newspaper where my mug shot covered the ENTIRE front page of our local newspaper.
Disclaimer: This blog may contain cursing and vulgar language. Not suitable for children under the age of 14. Having said that, this is my blog - so feel free to fuck right off if you don't like it. I'm trying to heal my own emotional traumas and wounds and maybe help someone else by doing it. I apologize in advance if you don't like how my memories and feelings make you feel - but thats on you. That's on you to heal ;)
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I don't even remember who told me it was in the paper. I've been trying to think back about it and I can, for the life of me, only remember one detail about this day.
It may have been the paper that was delivered to my workplace every morning..
I remember looking at myself through swollen waterfalls that had been my eyes these days, in those bright orange scrubs being the feature of my town's local newspaper. God I look thin.. "People will think I'm on drugs."
"Omg, people".
"I have to teach class tonight".
"How am I going to face all these people".
A town that I was born in, more than a couple of generations of my family in this town now. I did charity work in this town. I helped people in this town. I had waited on this newspaper's editor and his wife at least twice a week for years.. He knew me.. AND HE signed the article and published it..
(I hadn't known it at the time but the editor and his wife had split up - divorced yet, idk. But she sent me a "Thinking About You" card a few weeks after that paper came out. She knew me.. She knew I didn't do this. I just cried when I got it. Who am I kidding, I was always crying then actually.)
God, what a mess I was in. I still don't know how I would have prevented all of this either. I should've just kept my mouth shut, I guess.. I should have just taken it, right.
Yea.. probably not.
Maybe that's what my lesson was supposed to be out of all of this.
Everyone has always told me to keep my mouth shut. I always have some shit to say. Don't speak until you're spoken to.
I didn't care what tf the universe's lesson was for me at that point. Fuck you universe.. you stupid bitch lol
It was all I could do to not kill myself. Self inflicting cuts or wounds were getting worse. I was getting worse. I kept a razor blade in my makeup bag in the bathroom.. I started taking it into the bath with me a few times, thinking maybe this cut or this time, would actually do it..
Funny now thinking back about it. Something or someone always interrupted me or needed my attention.
(I don't take baths anymore)
I was an embarrassment.. Nobody really cared anyway.
I don't remember my real dad and step mom rushing over and asking me if I was okay. I don't remember any of my siblings banging on my door helping me get out of bed or helping around the house because I couldn't do anything but cry or throw up or sit in a dissociative state.
I remember having a conversation about it once with my real dad and step mom, but it was very nonchalant manner and not like they could help me with anything anyway.. They were always helping their kids or her kids or whatever. I always came last, if at all.
I don't remember my husband making sure I got out of bed okay. Nothing had changed. I don't remember my mom coming to see me or calling me. I did call her and tell her about what was going on.
My Gram called me though. Regardless, of how she acted towards us, she loved us. She's even admitted things to me and how she could have been better but defended herself saying it was all out of love and she just wanted what was best for us. No one has ever come out and say, "I'm sorry I hurt you".
I mean, everything that has happened to me has only happened because I opened my mouth and stood my ground. I think back to when I was telling my Gram what had happened. I can just see that look of disappointment on her face now. She knew that I wouldn't have kept my mouth shut but she definitely hoped that I would have.
I mean, she would have kept her mouth shut and took it. She let a man beat the shit out of her and her oldest daughter for years until my aunt became of age of beating.. idk what age that would have been..
It's all just sad if you ask me. My Gram didn't have a back bone until my aunt was about to become the next victim of domestic violence. Then she stood up and had had enough and left my grandfather.
If she had only done that for my mom... fuck, for herself even...
It's hard to be mad at my mom or Gram.. We don't know what people have been through that has shaped and molded them to how they become as parents, etc. Ultimately though, they are us and we are them.
I always tell people when talking about my daughter - You have to REALLY love yourself, to love yourself. Our sons and daughters are literally just small versions of ourselves.
So, when they do something that triggers you or makes you angry.. It's something in you that makes you feel that way.. Not them lol..
See, I'm avoiding this shit like the plaque ya'll.. I swear..
Ahh, yes, how can I forget.. The day my mug shot was spread throughout the county, not only through newspaper, but via the internet as well.. So, yea, it's still there - I just googled my name..
To this day, I have no idea how I knew this but I knew I needed to email the principle of the middle school where my oldest son was at the time. I knew that they received a large amount of newspapers daily to discuss in their current affairs class.
Ugh, my poor kid. He was already a troubled child with unstable emotions. (I wasn't really sure why at the time but I am sure that that will be a whole other series about how I fucked up my first born.)
I dropped what I was doing and I wrote the email. I remember it taking forever to write it.. I was trying to defend myself and sound innocent at the same time.. I knew this principle well.. I had regular meetings with her and other staff regarding my son. I was doing everything I could for him.
Well, all I knew how, anyway. I wanted to be a good mom and do everything I could for my kids to ensure they were healthy stable contributing members of society.
Idk what I was thinking. I had no idea what I was doing or remember very much of any of it. I know it killed me to have to write that email though. I know I hated writing every fn word of it. I hated the fact that I was trying to be a good mom and here I am writing a fucking email to the principle asking her to remove the newspapers from the current affairs class because my mug shot was on it for theft and embezzlement.
I beat myself up over this for a long time.
To this day, I still won't admit I'm a good mom. I won't even say it. I usually joke and say, "I've never claimed to be a good mom".
At the end of the day, it doesn't matter if YOU think you're a good mom or not.
It only matters if your kids feel like you're a good mom.
The only other thing I can come close to remembering from that time period, was searching the internet for "the best criminal defense attorney" in my state. I had already known who I wanted to use but apparently, I needed validation from the internet at that point too. I didn't trust anyone.
Sure enough, the internet called him a "Super Lawyer".
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